Off the Record: Sexually Promiscuous, Emotionally Monogamous
Our first interview with a wonderful ENM couple
A Note to Our Readers: We recently had the immense pleasure of sitting down with "A" (female) and "G" (male) a wonderful couple from our community who graciously agreed to share their story. Our conversation was a beautiful exploration of the feelings, challenges, and joys that come with living an ethically non-monogamous life. We are so grateful for their courage and openness.
S3X+: Thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us. The goal here is to explore the feelings, the challenges, and the joys of your journey. Please know this is a safe space. You don't need to share any names, specific dates, or identifying details. We're interested in the emotional truth of your experiences. Feel free to be as open as you're comfortable with, and please let me know if any question feels too intrusive.
A & G: Thank you.
Part 1: The Beginning of the Journey
Q: Without needing to get into the specifics of your relationship's timeline, could you take us back to the initial spark or conversation that led you to explore ethical non-monogamy? What did that moment feel like for each of you?
G: Okay, uh, maybe I'll start. Before I met her, I had another relationship, a long one, perhaps 13 years. In the middle of it, we decided to open up as well. So, I was used to that before meeting my partner now. This was a given, kind of, for me. I was used to that already; I knew all the terms, I knew how to behave, I knew what to expect in that sense. But when I met her, it was something new for her. And then I will let her explain a little bit more.
A: Yeah, so from my side, before meeting my partner, I always had monogamous relationships. I think in our culture, this is always expected. But somehow, during my lifetime, I always kind of cheated on my partners. So I had parallel relationships, in the sense that they didn't know about each other. Whenever I was having sex, I always had this fantasy where when I was on top and having an orgasm, I was imagining having another guy. For example, sucking someone else while I was on top of a guy. That's what is fueling me. So when we started our relationship, and G was sharing his lifestyle and his fantasies and desires with me, I always tried to be open-minded and curious. So I started from that point, saying, "Okay, let's explore." He always told me, "Okay, we can stop at any time, let me know what you want to explore or what are your fantasies." So we started sharing, and then that's how the spark ignited.
Q: As you stood on the threshold of opening up, what were your biggest hopes for your sexual lives? And on the other side of that coin, what were your deepest fears?
A: Our relationship started as being open. The hope was more about exploring our sexuality. Hopes were to fulfill our fantasies and sharing the people, the taste, the smell... and maybe connect better with each other.
G: Yeah, using this new path for us to enhance what we had already. There is a misconception that people do that whenever they are missing something. For us, it’s quite the opposite. We are very happy, we are fulfilled with whatever we have between ourselves, and we just use that to enhance and try new things. The hope is to grow and to find new adventures, let's say, together or by ourselves and then of course to connect between us after that. To increase our intimacy.
A: The fear is, of course, losing the other person. Or to disconnect. At some stage, we were having sex with so many people that we didn't have the chance during that time to have sex with each other. Whatever adventure you're going through, at some stage you are adventuring so far that that might pull you apart. So you need to remember to bring back together in the couple. For all the excitement and serotonin and all the hormones, you need to remember that you need to come back somehow and find that happiness together.
Q: Can you describe the emotions you felt during your very first experience with another person?
A: It was special in our case. We didn't bring another person, we went to another country, to a swingers club. G told me, "Just go to the labyrinth and see what happens." I didn't know what a labyrinth means. When I entered there, it was all dark, and there was a guy that grabbed me from my neck, in a sexual and consensual way, and he kissed me. I thought "What the fuck!" I left, and I went to my partner and said "My God, I cannot believe what happened!" And then he explained to me what happens there and I was like, “Okay, let's go more!" And we explored every room and every hall and every glory hole!
G: It's fun, especially because I enjoy seeing her going through this period of discovering things without a rulebook, just exploring. That’s showing more or less how our relationship started in this part of the lifestyle.
Q: How did you approach rules and agreements in the beginning?
G: There was not much, uh, rules or even agreements or discussions, right? We just tried to explore and try and do.
A: I think for my side, I had a lot of trust in him and I was relying on the fact that he's a kind person that cares about me. Being in another country and talking about this, I was really relying and trusting him that he would take care of me, he would protect me, he would be beside me in all my experiences. That gave me confidence and braveness to go and explore by myself because I knew he'd be by my side.
Q: How did the initial conversation about being non-monogamous happen?
A: I felt something was awkward in our relationship, to be honest. I told him, "You know, I think at this stage I really want to know what is happening. I don't want to be in the dark." I explained why I feel it's an awkward situation. And then I said, "You know, I prefer in our relationship, rather than building walls, to build bridges. I assure you, no matter what happens, I will be open-minded, I will try to understand and not react."
G: We did a pact in the beginning, and it still holds, which is to not judge. A non-judgmental pact about each other. After that was established, it was a shower of stories or history. And then that's how it started from my side.
Q: You mentioned your first experience was abroad. Did that play a key role in feeling more free?
A: Yes, I do think you have a bit more openness and naughtiness and courage in exploring because you know you will never meet those people again. There were 99.9% chances that everyone that I'm interacting with in that club, I will never meet again. I think it’s kind of, I have no shame. And that kind of feels it's not stopping you from exploring and to be free.
Part 2: The Heart of the Matter
Q: Could you describe the feeling of a peak sexual experience you've had within your dynamic?
G: The last one we had was a good one. Just because it's with people that I'm comfortable with. So I was with my partner and actually someone I used to date. It was nice and fun to see they interact quite well and they connect.
A: The surprise was that the lady was actually attracted to me and wanted to have sex with me, not with him! But I think the peak experience, yes, was my first gang bang. For me, yes. I felt good, I felt like a goddess.
G: We portrayed the whole situation as her on a pedestal, her as the center of attention. So in that sense, it was focused on her, her pleasure. I think that did make it nice.
A: It was very good.
Q: Could you share a story about a time you experienced compersion—finding joy in your partner's pleasure with someone else?
G: I'm not sure it's just compersion, maybe it's a bit of a kink. I really like to see her having pleasure or having fun, right? And also to hear about the experience. For me, the peak of it was when I was travelling once, I was in another country, and she had a date. And then she texted me about it, she even sent me some pictures, videos, or whatever. It gives me a butterflies-in-the-stomach effect kind of thing. And then at the same time, I feel very happy and horny for her.
A: I prefer not to respond to this question, actually. That's okay.
Q: How do you navigate jealousy?
G: I don't have much jealousy in that sense. It's not that I don't feel jealous, it's just I think my feeling of seeing her happy is bigger than that. In Bali, we were together in a beach club and then a guy... she started kissing the guy, and then she just went off and left me there with my beer. It was not jealousy, maybe, it was a mix of jealousy plus being left alone, kind of thing.
A: After our experiences in starting the relationship to be open, we had a very important conversation. It was extremely important for us to always communicate, and we don't hide anything from each other. We are having an open sexual relationship. We are sexually promiscuous and emotionally monogamous. It's not that we're lacking anything, we just want to expand.
G: I used to say to her that it's kind of like food. She is fine dining, but sometimes I want to eat McDonalds. Or tacos, or paella, you know?
A: We had to have a couple of rules. I said you can have my body to do whatever you want, I just want your heart. In the sense of jealousy, I would suggest to communicate a lot, to share your needs, your desires, also put healthy boundaries. Especially as women, we try to fulfill all our partner's sexual fantasies. If you want to say no, you should say no. If you do compromises for the other person's pleasure, you will feel miserable afterwards and you will have a bit of resentment.
Q: What does aftercare look like for you?
A: Aftercare for me is for him to go and take a shower! I don't fancy other smells!
G: One of the rules we have is not to stay with the other person. Not to sleep together or to cuddle, because this creates serotonin and oxytocin, it builds connection.
A: We're not doing that. When we are in the same city, we go back to the same bed at the end of the night, cuddle, and sleep together. We reconnect. He's always checking with me to make sure I'm okay.
G: And sometimes the third party would not be performing as expected, so I have to step in to make sure A is happy and satisfied.
Q: How has this changed the intimacy between the two of you?
G: It’s a moment to learn, somehow. From some of her encounters, it helped me to understand what I could do better. She'll say, "Oh, this guy did this and that in this way," and I'll say, "How? How exactly?"
A: You were asking him sometimes, "Show me what you were doing!" We bring the knowledge into our relationship to improve our sexual relationship. We kind of take advantage of other people's practice, bring the tips and tricks.
G: You need to be humble enough to hear from your partner, "Hey, this other guy did this better than you."
A: After having experiences with other people, our sexual intensity goes up. She comes back home and it's my time now, kind of!
Q: What is your practical approach to meeting new people?
A: We normally use online platforms where we meet people, and then we have friends, connections. Sometimes we are also going to socializing events. We try to avoid play parties in our country because we didn't have very good experiences.
G: On top of the apps, in real life as well. Sometimes we meet people in real life, connect, and talk about it. It’s just that the country we are right now is not the best for exploring this in a more public space.
Q: What would be your top three countries to explore this lifestyle?
A: Berlin is the first one, maybe because of the clubs. And people are young and beautiful. Then Brazil, São Paulo. The clubs there are next level, and people are super hot and naughty and open.
G: Then maybe Italy. Rome and Milan.
Part 3: Reflections & The Path Forward
Q: How has living this way changed your individual understanding of your own sexuality?
A: The impact would have been more on me. Coming from a country which is culturally monogamous, it was a big impact. I never felt so free and brave, courageous, strong in my sexuality. I discovered what I like, what I don't, put limits, and also saying bravely "yes" without shame to the things I want to explore.
G: Since my partner is not judgmental at all, it allowed me to expand my sexuality as well.
Q: What is the biggest misconception people have about this lifestyle?
A: That women are sluts.
G: Or men are cheaters.
A: And that you don't have values, you don't have morality. And everyone thinks you are opening because you are missing something, rather than thinking you have so many things in your relationship, you just want to share with others.
Q: What are you most curious or excited to explore next?
A: Sky is the limit. We are very happy the way we are. We are always curious about meeting new people, seeing what's their experience, their journey, what makes them excited, what makes them alive. You can see on their eyes, they are sparkling. Just meet more people, I think that's it.
G: I'd love to try new things and I just want to bring this to our interactions with other people and see how it goes. I am, at least, very, very happy about it.
S3X+: Thank you again for your incredible openness. Sharing these kinds of personal stories takes courage, and I know your insights will be immensely valuable to our readers who are navigating their own journeys.