The Debrief: Our First Threesome - His Perspective, Part I
Sexual drive = Physical attraction * Mental fit
I met my wife several years ago, let's say a little less than 10. It’s not that I don’t remember, but we want to maintain a certain degree of anonymity in this adventure to be 100% free in what we share with all of you.
Unfortunately—and this is something we want to change thanks to this newsletter—Western civil society is not yet prepared to deal with a "non-conventional" relationship like ours.
In future posts, I will address this topic in detail, as the denial of sex as a recreational activity complementary to other hobbies is largely responsible for the state of collective repression of sexual desire in which modern society finds itself in most regions of the world. "For me, this is what the sex positive movement is all about: pretty literally, switching the connotation that sex has in society from negative to positive.
If, at the moment I met my current wife, someone had told me that a few years later I would be sharing a penthouse room with her and another beautiful woman, I would have never believed it.
I feel this sensation is common in other couples who, overnight, decided—like us—to open our relationship to the possibility of living both sexual and emotional experiences that are not exclusively restricted to the two of us.
It makes sense: libido peaks within a few hours of meeting someone new, or at least that's what my instinct says. It's the combination of an attractive body and a captivating mind that makes us want to have sex with someone. If sexual attraction was an equation, it would be this one:
It's completely normal, and I would say to some extent desirable, that the first few years of a relationship with that special someone are 100% monogamous. The initial physical desire and personality fit are simply so great that there's no room to think about anyone else.
The Ebb and Flow of Desire
I'm a visual person, as you'll get to know. If I had to express how I understand sexual drive in relation to love and sexual curiosity (i.e., the desire we have to experience new things within our sex life as a couple) as a function of the time that passes since you meet that "special someone," it would be like this:
Modern society gets deeply confused and obfuscated with these three lines:
Sexual drive: It is socially incorrect to acknowledge that the specific sexual drive for that particular person wanes over time. Moreover, there is generally a fear within the couple of admitting this is the case. A fear of hurting the other person's feelings by sharing that the immense sexual desire of the first few times is simply not as intense anymore. Something so easily verifiable on a biological level becomes impossible to acknowledge for fear of breaking the social taboos we have collectively decided to impose on ourselves.
Love: There is a preconceived notion in the society we live in that the line of love must be intimately correlated with that of sexual drive (which, of course, is assumed to be ever-increasing by the social establishment). This leads to major sentimental mistakes. Simply differentiating between what is sex and what is love would help avoid a ton of divorces and broken families. I understand love as the feeling of admiration and respect that, over time, you involuntarily develop for the person (or people, we'll get into polyamory in future posts).
Sexual curiosity: This is what I call the sexual desire for people other than the one we have chosen to share our life with. It also extends to weaker forms of experimentation, such as sex toys or more innocent flirting with people other than our partner (or partners!). At the beginning of the relationship, it's low. But as we grow as individuals sexually and emotionally, it grows.
Typically, I've observed that the evolution of these three lines looks quite a bit like the previous graph. There comes a point where sexual curiosity rises above sexual drive, sometimes manifesting as infidelity and, frequently, affecting the line of love:
Our case (and hopefully, all of yours soon) is different:
Taking the initiative
Since I was young, it's been clear to me that I'm not monogamous. While I've never allowed my sexual desire to lead me to cheat on anyone, it has traditionally been very difficult for me to build the necessary trust with someone to get to the point of sharing this feeling.
This changed the day I proposed to my wife that we have an erotic massage with a third person. After much deliberation, I decided to overcome my fear of the proposal and take the step. To my great surprise, my wife was curious about it and agreed to let me organize a massage session with a third person.
I don't remember the exact conversation, as it happened about 3 years ago. It was something like this:
Him: Darling, I've been thinking about something that could be fun and different for us. Would you like to try an erotic massage?
Her: An erotic massage? Hmm, tell me more. What do you mean exactly?
Him: Well, something that focuses more on sensuality and connection, rather than just relaxing the muscles. It could be a very intimate and exciting way to spend time together, exploring new sensations.
Her: It sounds… intriguing. And how do you imagine it? Would it be the two of us, or…?
Him: We could start with just the two of us, of course. But also, and this is just an idea if you feel comfortable, we could consider the possibility of a third person being there. I know it's something we haven't done before, but I think it could add a whole new dimension to our experience, if we both agreed. If not, it's totally fine to start with just us.
Her: A third person, you say? That's an... interesting idea, actually. It's not something I would have imagined, but it piques my curiosity.
Him: (A little surprised and hopeful) Really? Wow, I'm glad you at least find it interesting.
The main tension within me was always (and sometimes still is) how to balance my sexual curiosity with eliminating any risk of my wife feeling inferior in terms of being desired by me and a third person. We later discovered that she loves seeing me with another woman (or women...), but at that initial moment, we didn't know this—neither she nor I, as it has been a process of mutual discovery.
Interestingly, this first conversation about opening our relationship to "someone else" led me to find out that my wife has a curiosity about women that she hadn't told me about until then. After sharing this aspect of her sexuality with me, we decided that our first sexual experience with someone else would involve a woman.
Designing the experience
We both knew from the beginning that the most emotionally safe way to organize this first experience with a third person was to hire the services of a sex professional. While the idea of going to bed with someone relatively known excites us, it felt too "hard" for a first experience.
Fortunately, we live in a country where prostitution is legal. In future posts, we will delve deeply into the ethical realm of this service, sharing anecdotes about some of these people we have met along the way. Many of them have an internal beauty equal to or greater than their external beauty.
The "vetting" process is critical. I knew I needed to verify three things before meeting a third person and opening our bed to them:
Freedom of profession. I want to know that this person is in sex work voluntarily and directly, without an intermediary living off their labor.
Real bisexuality. I need to be sure that being with a woman will not represent an emotional cost for this person, but the opposite—that she will be into it.
Emotional connection. I need to know that the person with whom we are going to share our bed is someone I could also have a few beers with.
The vetting process - how to do it well
It all starts with a healthy understanding of what you're trying to do. The idea is to find someone who meets what you have in mind, and for that, you have to create a process that allows you to find out for sure if this is the case.
First, never try something like this in a country where this activity is not legal. It may sound obvious, but the chances that the person you end up sleeping with is a forced worker are extremely high if you try to organize this type of experience in a country where erotic massages or prostitution are not legal.
Second, be friendly and invest all the time in the world in chatting with the person in question beforehand. In our case, we probably called 20 different people before finding the ideal one.
A quick way to ensure the person is right for what you're looking for is to openly propose the experience you want and talk to her (or him) on the phone live, and even meet in person before the experience itself to make sure there is enough chemistry.
In the future, we will help to carry out the vetting process in a more systematic way, but for now, just know that the key is to be able to have an informal conversation with that person for about 20-30 minutes, ideally by phone, which allows you to get a good sense of their vibe and learn as much as possible about their personal circumstances before taking the plunge.
Some obvious red flags are:
They reply with a pre-formulated message that only talks about services and prices.
They refuse to talk on the phone beforehand, probably for fear that you will discover that it is not really her who is talking but someone she works for.
There are inconsistencies between what she says she is and who she really is (i.e., different nationality, for example).
She doesn't want to meet before, or do a FaceTime as a preliminary step.
In our case, we were super lucky to find H (we won't use her real name, so we'll just call her H).
Getting to know H
My level of excitement when dialing H's number for the first time was enormous. I found her services through an ad on the internet. As we said before, offering sexual services is legal in the country we live in, which makes it the safest way to contact professionals through the internet. Ideally, using a website that performs a native pre-vetting process (i.e., verified profile and, crucially, has a reporting mailbox to inform of potential cases of forced prostitution).
H is a young woman, about 27-28 years old. Her photos on her internet profile were incredible. According to her description, H has Lebanese and Spanish ancestry. She spends her summers in Ibiza where she works as a model and spends the rest of the year traveling the world.
Our first conversation went something like this:
H: Hi! This is H. It's a pleasure to speak with you. I understand you're looking for a massage experience for couples, right? I'd love to know more about what you and your partner have in mind. I've had the opportunity to work with many couples before, and it's always an honor to be part of such a special and personal moment.
Me: Yes, exactly. We're a little nervous, to be honest, it's our first time doing something like this, but we're also very excited. We'd like it to be a sensual and connective experience for the three of us.
H: It's completely normal to feel that way! In fact, many of the couples I've worked with express similar feelings at first. My main goal is for you both to feel comfortable, safe, and, of course, to fully enjoy the experience. I've guided several couples through their first time, and it's always rewarding to see how trust grows and the chemistry flows.
Me: That sounds great. It gives us a lot of peace of mind to know you have experience with this. My wife is a bit more reserved than I am about the idea of talking to someone beforehand, but I think it would be beneficial.
H: I understand perfectly. Connection and trust are fundamental for a successful experience. I would love to have a conversation with your wife before our meeting, if she feels comfortable. We could talk about her expectations, any concerns she might have, and we can also establish the "rules of the game" to make sure we are all on the same page. We could discuss boundaries, what you would like to experience, and any details that would help her feel completely at ease. I am here to make this a wonderful and respectful experience for both of you.
That same afternoon, my wife and I had a group chat where we could get to know each other better. H told us how she herself had hired the services of several escorts for her and her boyfriend, so she was well acquainted with how the other party feels when you open the relationship. This, combined with her charm and natural attractiveness, gave us a lot of confidence and drive to make the decision to fulfill our fantasy that same weekend.